Setting Boundaries with Confidence: The Nuance of Personal Boundaries

Setting and maintaining personal boundaries is one of the most important skills we can cultivate for our mental health and well-being. But during the holidays—it can feel uniquely challenging. Family gatherings, cultural expectations, and the pressure to “keep the peace” often clash with our need to prioritize our own emotional safety.

For many women, navigating boundaries during holidays involves balancing a desire for connection, the urge to please others, and a need for self-protection. You may feel pulled between honoring family traditions and respecting your own limits, and that’s okay. The good news? Boundaries can help you show up authentically while also taking care of yourself.

Exploring the nuances of boundary setting can help to find strategies that fit your objectives and values. Understanding the difference between rigid, porous, and healthy boundaries, along with practical tips (and scripts!) for setting boundaries, can help with managing interpersonal stress during the holidays.

What Are Personal Boundaries?

Personal boundaries are the limits we set to protect our emotional, physical, and mental well-being. They define what we are and are not willing to tolerate in our relationships, conversations, and environments. Boundaries are not about controlling others—they’re about protecting yourself and creating a sense of safety and respect.

Healthy boundaries are a form of self-care, allowing us to maintain relationships without sacrificing our needs or values. However, boundaries can vary widely in how they are expressed.

Rigid, Porous, and Healthy Boundaries

Rigid Boundaries

Rigid boundaries involve being overly closed off or inflexible. They may look like avoiding all vulnerability, refusing to share personal information, or keeping people at a distance to avoid emotional discomfort. For example, someone with rigid boundaries might refuse to engage in any family traditions because they fear conflict.

• Example: Declining to attend a family gathering but not offering any explanation or alternative way to connect.

Porous Boundaries

Porous boundaries involve being overly open, accommodating, or enmeshed with others. They may look like prioritizing other people’s needs over your own, saying “yes” when you mean “no,” or oversharing personal information. For example, someone with porous boundaries might agree to host holiday dinner despite feeling completely overwhelmed.

• Example: Letting someone’s critical comments about your lifestyle slide because you don’t want to “make things awkward.”

Healthy Boundaries

Healthy boundaries strike a balance between protecting your needs and fostering meaningful connections. They involve being clear, respectful, and assertive about your limits while remaining open to mutual understanding. Healthy boundaries are grounded in self-awareness and self-compassion.

• Example: Politely declining a conversation about politics or religion while staying engaged in the aspects of the gathering that feel enjoyable.

How to Set Boundaries During the Holidays

Holidays can be full of love, but it can also bring challenges—unsolicited advice, invasive questions, or the pressure to take on more than you can handle. Setting boundaries is an essential tool to navigate these moments with grace and self-respect.

Here’s how to do it:

1. Be Clear and Direct

The most effective boundaries are communicated clearly and without ambiguity. A direct statement lets others know what you need without leaving room for misunderstanding.

• Example: “I love spending time with everyone, but I won’t be discussing my personal life today. Let’s talk about something else.”

2. Decide What You’re Comfortable With

Boundaries are deeply personal and depend on what feels right for you. Take some time before the holidays to reflect on your limits. Are you okay with attending the gathering but need to skip certain conversations? Are you willing to help in the kitchen but don’t want to host?

• Example: If you’re uncomfortable with political debates, you might say, “I’m here to enjoy the holiday, so I’m going to step out if the conversation turns political.”

3. Use “I” Statements

When setting boundaries, focus on what you are willing to do rather than telling others what they can or cannot do. This keeps the focus on your needs rather than controlling someone else’s behavior.

• Example: Instead of saying, “You can’t talk to me about my career,” you might say, “I’m not comfortable discussing my job today, so I’ll change the subject if it comes up.”

4. Give Yourself Permission to Say No

Saying “no” is a complete sentence, and it doesn’t make you a bad person. Declining an invitation, a task, or a conversation is your right—especially when it protects your mental health.

• Example: “I appreciate the invitation to stay late, but I’ll need to leave by 8 p.m.”

Boundaries in Action

Boundaries during the holidays can take many forms. Here are some examples of how boundaries might look in practice:

Direct Statements

• “I’m happy to help with dinner, but I’ll need some time to myself afterward to recharge.”

• “I’d prefer not to talk about my relationship status. Let’s catch up on something else instead.”

Not Talking About Certain Topics

• Politely redirect the conversation if someone brings up weight, diets, or appearance:

• “I’m focusing on enjoying the food and company today, so let’s skip the diet talk!”

Not Doing Certain Activities

• If you’re asked to take on more than you can handle, say:

• “I can bring a dish, but I won’t be able to help with setup this year. Thanks for understanding!”

Not Attending an Event

• If you decide not to attend a gathering, you can communicate with kindness:

• “Thank you for inviting me. I’ve decided to take this holiday to rest, but I hope we can connect soon.”

Scripts for Setting Boundaries

Sometimes, it’s hard to find the right words in the moment. Here are some scripts you can adapt for different scenarios:

• For Unsolicited Advice:

• “Thank you for your input, but I’ve got this handled in my own way.”

• For Invasive Questions:

• “I’m not comfortable discussing that right now. How have you been?”

• For Food or Body Comments:

• “I’d rather not talk about my body or eating habits. Let’s focus on enjoying the meal!”

• For Political or Religious Debates:

• “I value our relationship too much to let a disagreement ruin the day. Let’s keep it light.”

• For Feeling Overwhelmed:

• “I’m going to step outside for a few minutes to regroup. I’ll be back shortly.”

Boundaries Are About You, Not Controlling Others

One of the most important things to remember about boundaries is that they’re about your actions and limits, not about controlling someone else’s behavior. Setting a boundary doesn’t guarantee that others will respect it, but it does give you the power to protect your well-being.

For example:

• If someone continues to bring up a topic you’ve said is off-limits, you can remove yourself from the conversation rather than trying to make them stop.

• If someone pressures you to eat or drink something you don’t want, you can politely decline without needing their approval.

Boundaries are about taking responsibility for your own needs while respecting that others may have different perspectives or behaviors.

Why Boundaries Matter

Boundaries are an act of self-love. They help you show up authentically, maintain your mental health, and foster relationships that are built on mutual respect. For women, who are often socialized to prioritize others’ needs over their own, setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable at first—but it’s a powerful step toward reclaiming your time, energy, and peace of mind.

Honoring Boundaries and Creating Connection

Holidays don't have to be perfect to be meaningful. By setting and honoring your boundaries, you can create space for connection, joy, and self-compassion—on your terms.

If navigating boundaries feels difficult, that’s okay. Like any skill, it takes practice. The key is to approach it with kindness toward yourself and others. Remember, your needs are valid, and it’s okay to prioritize your mental health. You deserve a holiday season filled with care—for yourself and the relationships that matter most.

Coping With Holiday Party Anxiety When You Have Experienced Disordered Eating

The holiday season can be a joyful time of connection and celebration, but for those of us who have experienced disordered eating, it can also bring a unique set of challenges. Food-centric gatherings, comments about bodies, and the pressure to appear “merry” can stir up feelings of anxiety, shame, or overwhelm. If you’re feeling apprehensive about holiday parties, know that you are not alone—and that it’s possible to enjoy the season while prioritizing your mental health and well-being.

At Wild Hope Therapy, we understand the complexities of navigating the holidays when food and body image concerns are part of your story. This blog offers compassionate insights, practical tools, and encouragement to help you move through the season with confidence and self-care.

The Intersection of Holidays, Food, and Anxiety

The holidays often center around food—grand meals, cocktail hours, cookie exchanges—and this focus can feel especially daunting if you’ve struggled with disordered eating. Whether you’re in recovery or still finding your footing, the abundance of food combined with social pressures can trigger old thought patterns or anxieties.

For women, societal messages about our worth being tied to appearance or self-control can add another layer of stress. Comments like, “I shouldn’t eat that, but I will,” or, “Look at how much weight I gained over the holidays,” can feel deeply unsettling, especially when you’re working to heal your relationship with food and your body.

But here’s the truth: you are more than your body, and your worth is not determined by what’s on your plate or how you look in holiday photos.

Planning for the Holidays: What to Expect

Holiday parties often come with certain dynamics that can feel overwhelming. Being prepared can help you navigate these situations with greater ease:

1. Food-Centric Gatherings

Many holiday events revolve around food. While this can be a source of joy for some, it may feel stressful if you’re managing your relationship with eating.

2. Diet Talk and Body Comments

It’s not uncommon for people to make offhand remarks about food, diets, or body changes during holiday gatherings. These comments, even when not directed at you, can be triggering.

3. Busy Schedules

Back-to-back events, travel, and socializing can leave you feeling drained or out of routine, which may amplify stress.

4. Emotional Triggers

The holidays can bring up a mix of emotions—joy, nostalgia, grief, or even loneliness—which can sometimes complicate your feelings around food and body image.

Coping with Food-Related Anxiety at Holiday Parties

When holiday parties feel overwhelming, small steps can make a big difference. Here are some ways to navigate food-focused gatherings with care and intention:

1. Set Boundaries Around Food and Conversation

It’s okay to advocate for yourself. If someone comments on what you’re eating, try redirecting the conversation. You could say:

• “I’m focusing on how I feel, not the specifics of what’s on my plate.”

• “Let’s talk about something more fun—how’s your holiday season going?”

If you feel pressured to eat or not eat certain foods, remember that you have the right to make choices that feel best for you, no explanations needed.

2. Bring Food You Feel Comfortable With

If the idea of eating unfamiliar food at a party feels daunting, consider bringing a dish or snack that you know you’ll enjoy. This can help you feel more grounded and ensure there’s something on the table that aligns with your needs.

3. Avoid “Food Rules” Conversations

When conversations turn to dieting or guilt about food, it’s okay to step away. Take a moment to breathe, engage in another conversation, or excuse yourself for a quick break. Protecting your mental space is a form of self-care.

Managing Social Anxiety and Overwhelm

Holiday parties aren’t just about food—they’re also social events, which can feel draining or anxiety-inducing. Here’s how to navigate the social aspects with ease:

1. Plan Your Arrival and Exit

Give yourself permission to set time limits for events. If a party feels overwhelming, let yourself leave early or plan an escape route in advance. You don’t need to stay longer than feels comfortable.

2. Focus on Connection, Not Perfection

Shift your focus from trying to “perform” or fit a specific holiday ideal to simply connecting with others. Find someone you enjoy talking to and engage in meaningful conversation—it’s okay if you’re not mingling with everyone in the room.

3. Bring a Grounding Object

Having something small to anchor you—like a bracelet, a meaningful trinket, or even a favorite lipstick—can remind you of your strength and resilience if anxiety starts to creep in.

Staying True to Your Values

For many women, the holidays come with expectations—what you should wear, how you should look, how much you should eat or drink. But your values, not societal pressures, should guide how you approach the season.

1. Reflect on What Matters Most to You

Ask yourself: What do I truly want from this holiday season? Maybe it’s creating joyful memories with loved ones, prioritizing rest, or focusing on gratitude. Write these intentions down and refer back to them when stress arises.

2. Define Your Own Traditions

Who says holiday traditions have to revolve around food or extravagant parties? Consider creating rituals that feel meaningful to you, like taking a winter walk, writing gratitude notes, or having a movie night with close friends.

3. Celebrate Your Progress

If you’ve worked to heal your relationship with food and your body, take time to honor that progress. The holidays can be a good opportunity to reflect on how far you’ve come and celebrate the ways you’re growing.

Building a Support System

Navigating the holidays is easier with people in your corner. Here’s how to build and lean on your support system:

1. Identify a “Go-To” Person

Having a trusted friend or family member who understands your journey can be invaluable. Let them know how they can support you—whether that’s redirecting conversations, standing by your side during meals, or checking in after events.

2. Communicate Your Needs

Don’t be afraid to set expectations with those closest to you. For example: “It would mean a lot if we could focus on enjoying the time together and avoid diet talk.”

3. Seek Professional Support

If the holidays feel particularly challenging, consider reaching out to a therapist. At Wild Hope Therapy, we specialize in helping women navigate the complexities of disordered eating, body image, and anxiety. You don’t have to face this season alone.

Tools for Managing Holiday Stress

When holiday anxiety feels overwhelming, grounding yourself can help. Here are a few tools to keep in mind:

1. Practice Mindful Breathing

Take a moment to pause and breathe deeply. Try inhaling for a count of four, holding for four, and exhaling for four. This simple exercise can calm your nervous system and bring you back to the present moment.

2. Keep a Journal Handy

Writing down your thoughts and feelings can help you process emotions and identify triggers. You can also use your journal to set intentions for events or reflect on moments of gratitude.

3. Create a “Safe Space” Ritual

If a party feels overwhelming, step outside or find a quiet corner to ground yourself. Engage in a quick ritual—like listening to a favorite song or focusing on your grounding object—to recenter.

Redefine What the Holidays Mean to You

The holidays can be complex, especially if you’re managing disordered eating or anxiety, but they don’t have to feel impossible. By planning ahead, setting boundaries, and staying true to your values, you can move through the season with greater ease and intention.

Remember, it’s okay to prioritize your mental health, to say no to situations that feel overwhelming, and to redefine what the holidays mean to you. Whether that means creating new traditions, leaning on your support system, or simply taking each day as it comes, you are deserving of a season that feels joyful and aligned with who you are.

You don’t have to navigate this journey alone. If you need support, Wild Hope Therapy is here to help. Together, we can work toward a holiday season that feels less about stress and more about connection, compassion, and care—for yourself and others.