Setting Boundaries with Confidence: The Nuance of Personal Boundaries
Setting and maintaining personal boundaries is one of the most important skills we can cultivate for our mental health and well-being. But during the holidays—it can feel uniquely challenging. Family gatherings, cultural expectations, and the pressure to “keep the peace” often clash with our need to prioritize our own emotional safety.
For many women, navigating boundaries during holidays involves balancing a desire for connection, the urge to please others, and a need for self-protection. You may feel pulled between honoring family traditions and respecting your own limits, and that’s okay. The good news? Boundaries can help you show up authentically while also taking care of yourself.
Exploring the nuances of boundary setting can help to find strategies that fit your objectives and values. Understanding the difference between rigid, porous, and healthy boundaries, along with practical tips (and scripts!) for setting boundaries, can help with managing interpersonal stress during the holidays.
What Are Personal Boundaries?
Personal boundaries are the limits we set to protect our emotional, physical, and mental well-being. They define what we are and are not willing to tolerate in our relationships, conversations, and environments. Boundaries are not about controlling others—they’re about protecting yourself and creating a sense of safety and respect.
Healthy boundaries are a form of self-care, allowing us to maintain relationships without sacrificing our needs or values. However, boundaries can vary widely in how they are expressed.
Rigid, Porous, and Healthy Boundaries
Rigid Boundaries
Rigid boundaries involve being overly closed off or inflexible. They may look like avoiding all vulnerability, refusing to share personal information, or keeping people at a distance to avoid emotional discomfort. For example, someone with rigid boundaries might refuse to engage in any family traditions because they fear conflict.
Example: Declining to attend a family gathering but not offering any explanation or alternative way to connect.
Porous Boundaries
Porous boundaries involve being overly open, accommodating, or enmeshed with others. They may look like prioritizing other people’s needs over your own, saying “yes” when you mean “no,” or oversharing personal information. For example, someone with porous boundaries might agree to host holiday dinner despite feeling completely overwhelmed.
Example: Letting someone’s critical comments about your lifestyle slide because you don’t want to “make things awkward.”
Healthy Boundaries
Healthy boundaries strike a balance between protecting your needs and fostering meaningful connections. They involve being clear, respectful, and assertive about your limits while remaining open to mutual understanding. Healthy boundaries are grounded in self-awareness and self-compassion.
Example: Politely declining a conversation about politics or religion while staying engaged in the aspects of the gathering that feel enjoyable.
How to Set Boundaries During the Holidays
Holidays can be full of love, but it can also bring challenges—unsolicited advice, invasive questions, or the pressure to take on more than you can handle. Setting boundaries is an essential tool to navigate these moments with grace and self-respect.
Here’s how to do it:
1. Be Clear and Direct
The most effective boundaries are communicated clearly and without ambiguity. A direct statement lets others know what you need without leaving room for misunderstanding.
Example: “I love spending time with everyone, but I won’t be discussing my personal life today. Let’s talk about something else.”
2. Decide What You’re Comfortable With
Boundaries are deeply personal and depend on what feels right for you. Take some time before the holidays to reflect on your limits. Are you okay with attending the gathering but need to skip certain conversations? Are you willing to help in the kitchen but don’t want to host?
Example: If you’re uncomfortable with political debates, you might say, “I’m here to enjoy the holiday, so I’m going to step out if the conversation turns political.”
3. Use “I” Statements
When setting boundaries, focus on what you are willing to do rather than telling others what they can or cannot do. This keeps the focus on your needs rather than controlling someone else’s behavior.
Example: Instead of saying, “You can’t talk to me about my career,” you might say, “I’m not comfortable discussing my job today, so I’ll change the subject if it comes up.”
4. Give Yourself Permission to Say No
Saying “no” is a complete sentence, and it doesn’t make you a bad person. Declining an invitation, a task, or a conversation is your right—especially when it protects your mental health.
Example: “I appreciate the invitation to stay late, but I’ll need to leave by 8 p.m.”
Boundaries in Action
Boundaries during the holidays can take many forms. Here are some examples of how boundaries might look in practice:
Direct Statements
“I’m happy to help with dinner, but I’ll need some time to myself afterward to recharge.”
“I’d prefer not to talk about my relationship status. Let’s catch up on something else instead.”
Not Talking About Certain Topics
Politely redirect the conversation if someone brings up weight, diets, or appearance:
“I’m focusing on enjoying the food and company today, so let’s skip the diet talk!”
Not Doing Certain Activities
If you’re asked to take on more than you can handle, say:
“I can bring a dish, but I won’t be able to help with setup this year. Thanks for understanding!”
Not Attending an Event
If you decide not to attend a gathering, you can communicate with kindness:
“Thank you for inviting me. I’ve decided to take this holiday to rest, but I hope we can connect soon.”
Scripts for Setting Boundaries
Sometimes, it’s hard to find the right words in the moment. Here are some scripts you can adapt for different scenarios:
For Unsolicited Advice:
“Thank you for your input, but I’ve got this handled in my own way.”
For Invasive Questions:
“I’m not comfortable discussing that right now. How have you been?”
For Food or Body Comments:
“I’d rather not talk about my body or eating habits. Let’s focus on enjoying the meal!”
For Political or Religious Debates:
“I value our relationship too much to let a disagreement ruin the day. Let’s keep it light.”
For Feeling Overwhelmed:
“I’m going to step outside for a few minutes to regroup. I’ll be back shortly.”
Boundaries Are About You, Not Controlling Others
One of the most important things to remember about boundaries is that they’re about your actions and limits, not about controlling someone else’s behavior. Setting a boundary doesn’t guarantee that others will respect it, but it does give you the power to protect your well-being.
For example:
If someone continues to bring up a topic you’ve said is off-limits, you can remove yourself from the conversation rather than trying to make them stop.
If someone pressures you to eat or drink something you don’t want, you can politely decline without needing their approval.
Boundaries are about taking responsibility for your own needs while respecting that others may have different perspectives or behaviors.
Why Boundaries Matter
Boundaries are an act of self-love. They help you show up authentically, maintain your mental health, and foster relationships that are built on mutual respect. For women, who are often socialized to prioritize others’ needs over their own, setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable at first—but it’s a powerful step toward reclaiming your time, energy, and peace of mind.
Honoring Boundaries and Creating Connection
Holidays don't have to be perfect to be meaningful. By setting and honoring your boundaries, you can create space for connection, joy, and self-compassion—on your terms.
If navigating boundaries feels difficult, that’s okay. Like any skill, it takes practice. The key is to approach it with kindness toward yourself and others. Remember, your needs are valid, and it’s okay to prioritize your mental health. You deserve a holiday season filled with care—for yourself and the relationships that matter most.