Nurturing your relationship through couples therapy
Relationships are beautiful, messy, and everything in between. No matter how much you and your partner love each other, challenges are bound to arise. Maybe you’ve had the same argument for the hundredth time, or you’ve grown distant and aren’t sure how to reconnect. That’s where couples therapy comes in: it’s a space to work through those rough patches and build a stronger, more compassionate relationship.
It can help two different people feel comfortable with a new experience by learning what a couples therapy therapy session is like, how a trauma-informed, feminist approach can be different, and how to bring up the idea of therapy with your partner. And just like individual therapy, it’s useful to identify some screening questions to find the right therapist, followed by preparing together for your first session. Spoiler alert: relationships are hard for everyone, and seeking support is an act of love—not failure.
What is Couples Therapy?
Couples therapy is a form of counseling designed to help partners address issues in their relationship. It’s not about deciding who’s “right” or “wrong”—it’s about understanding each other better, improving communication, and building a relationship that works for both of you.
What Happens in Couples Therapy?
Each therapist has their own approach, but here’s what you can generally expect:
Assessment: Your therapist will spend the first few sessions getting to know you as a couple. They’ll ask about your relationship history, strengths, challenges, and goals.
Skills Building: Many sessions focus on teaching skills like active listening, expressing emotions constructively, and managing conflict.
Unpacking Patterns: A therapist will help you identify unhelpful dynamics (hello, blame game!) and explore the underlying reasons behind them.
Fostering Connection: Therapy often includes exercises to rebuild trust and intimacy, helping you feel more connected to your partner.
With a trauma-informed, feminist couples therapist, the process also includes acknowledging power dynamics, ensuring both partners feel safe, and addressing how past experiences—like trauma or societal pressures—might be influencing your relationship.
How Trauma-Informed, Feminist Therapy Can Help Couples
You might be wondering, what exactly is trauma-informed, feminist couples therapy? Let’s break it down.
Trauma-Informed Therapy
Trauma-informed therapy recognizes that past trauma—whether personal, relational, or systemic—can shape how we interact in relationships. A trauma-informed therapist:
Creates a safe, nonjudgmental space.
Helps you recognize how past experiences may be impacting your present dynamics.
Works collaboratively to avoid re-triggering or re-traumatizing either partner.
Feminist Therapy
Feminist therapy looks at relationships through the lens of equality and mutual respect. A feminist couples therapist:
Examines societal influences (like gender roles) that may be affecting your relationship.
Prioritizes both partners’ voices and experiences.
Encourages shared decision-making and emotional labor.
Together, these approaches create a framework for understanding not only what is happening in your relationship but why, and how you can move forward with compassion and equity.
How to Bring Up Couples Therapy with Your Partner
Talking about couples therapy can feel vulnerable. Maybe you’re worried your partner will feel criticized or think the relationship is doomed. But framing the conversation thoughtfully can make all the difference.
Tips for Starting the Conversation
Choose the Right Time: Find a moment when you’re both calm and not in the middle of an argument.
Example: "I’ve been thinking about ways we can grow together and strengthen our relationship."
Focus on Positivity: Emphasize that therapy isn’t about assigning blame but about working as a team.
Example: “I think we’ve been feeling disconnected lately, and I really value our relationship. Therapy could help us feel closer.”
Share Your Intentions: Be clear that this is about love and commitment, not criticism.
Example: “This isn’t about fixing you or me; it’s about us figuring things out together.”
Acknowledge Vulnerability: Let them know it’s okay to feel nervous or unsure.
Example: “I know the idea of therapy can feel a little intimidating, but I think it’s worth exploring.”
Questions to Ask a Potential Couples Therapist
Finding the right therapist is crucial. Here are some questions to help guide your search:
What is your experience working with couples?
Look for someone who specializes in couples therapy, not just individual therapy.
Do you have training in trauma-informed or feminist therapy?
This ensures they’re equipped to address power dynamics and past trauma.
What is your approach to conflict in relationships?
You want someone who emphasizes collaboration over assigning blame.
How do you handle cultural differences or diverse identities?
This is especially important if you and your partner come from different backgrounds.
What can we expect in the first few sessions?
Knowing what’s ahead can help ease any anxiety about starting therapy.
How to Prepare for Your First Couples Therapy Session
Your first session is a chance to set the stage for growth and healing. Here’s how to prepare:
1. Set Realistic Expectations
Therapy isn’t a magic wand. Progress takes time and effort from both partners. Go in with an open mind and a willingness to be patient.
2. Reflect on Your Goals
Think about what you hope to achieve in therapy. Is it better communication? More intimacy? Resolving specific conflicts? Having clarity on your goals can help your therapist guide the process.
3. Be Ready to Listen
Couples therapy is as much about hearing your partner’s perspective as it is about sharing your own. Practice active listening and try to approach the conversation with curiosity.
4. Leave Blame at the Door
It’s tempting to use therapy to air grievances, but the goal is to work as a team. Focus on collaboration rather than pointing fingers.
5. Bring an Open Heart
Starting therapy can feel vulnerable, but it’s also a brave step toward building the relationship you both deserve.
Normalizing the Struggles of Relationships
Every relationship goes through hard times. That’s not a sign of failure; it’s a sign that you’re human. The truth is, loving someone and building a life together is one of the most complex and rewarding things we do. And sometimes, we need a little help along the way.
Couples therapy isn’t about proving that your relationship is perfect. It’s about showing up for each other, even when it’s hard. It’s about saying, “I care enough about us to do the work.” And that’s an act of love and kindness that can make all the difference.
If you and your partner are considering therapy, take heart in knowing that you’re not alone. Seeking support is a sign of strength and a beautiful testament to your commitment to one another. You’ve got this—together.